Saying Goodbye- For now

So, my post about my miscarriage was pretty brief. After telling the story over and over on the phone I just ran out of gas and couldn't write about it. Now enough time has passed, and I want to express some feelings before I get pregnant again and start down that path.

I got my first positive pregnancy test on Thursday November 12th, 2009, and by the end of Friday I had called just about everyone to tell them I was pregnant. I was so excited and everyone was so happy for us. It was a blast to tell everyone and see (or hear) their reactions. Patrick (Ken's brother) even cried. I was feeling a little scared, but Ken was there to comfort me and it was really him that helped me to really understand the joy of having a baby. He was so wonderful with me it made me want to have his baby. I knew I wouldn't be alone and that we would have such a happy little family. On Sunday the 15th I started spotting. I was pretty nervous about it as I knew that wasn't normal. I called Ellie (my mother-in-law Lisa), Jeanine, and mom. They said it was possible to spot a little and still have a normal pregnancy so I relaxed a little, but called the doctor the next morning to come in.

Monday I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound (which still makes me mad because it was way too early for an ultrasound and rather expensive), and lots of tests. She said that I was for sure pregnant and made another appointment for me Thursday to re-test my hormones and see how I was progressing. Over the next couple of days the bleeding got a little worse, but everyone said it was a good sign I was cramping, because having a miscarriage is painful so I would have to be cramping first. It's funny, I was pretty scared of having a baby and I was excited, but I was a little unsure. As soon as I found out I could lose my baby I felt an instinct that only a mother could understand. I knew my baby was real to me and I did not want to lose her.

Wednesday was a crazy stressful day at work. Everyone was angry and stressed and I just had mountains of work to do. I was struggling with angry phone calls and funding emergencies when I felt my first cramp. My heart sank and I just put my head on my desk and tried not to cry. I needed a friendly face so I went to my uncle Brian's office and as soon as I saw him I lost it. He held me for a while and then told me I needed to go home. I told him I had too much work to do, but he walked me to HR and told them I was leaving and Debbie drove me home. I was grateful to be home to let my emotions go. I knew I was losing my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. The pain is hard to describe. I know it shouldn't seem like a big deal, I mean, I wasn't even pregnant for a week, but that loss is very real. I also felt embaressed because I had told my whole family that I was pregnant. I felt like I had lied to everyone because now I had to take it back so soon. I was afraid to tell everyone, but that fear left just as soon as I started making calls.

I called my Aunt Valyn crying and she comforted me and told me how she miscarried her first child. She got pregnant with Brayden just a month later and everything was fine. Then I called my Aunt Wendy. She also miscarried her first child. That talk with Wendy was one of the most enlightening conversations I have ever had.